How to Wave a Flag

Inspired by this article:

I was watching the election results last night, thinking: I honestly cannot remember the last time I waved a flag. Maybe as a child on 4th of July, but I don’t reckon I reflected much on what it meant at the time.  Hm, imagine that, waving a flag without reflecting much on its meaning.

It’s an action that seems perfectly alien to me. Wondering how it was done, I consulted the internet. Here is what I learned, in a series of easy steps.

Step One – Obtain a flag; any flag is perfectly acceptable. No one really cares about you and your goddamn stupid flag anyway.

Step Two – Hold the flag in your hand. If you are right-handed, hold it in your right hand. If you are a lefty, put the flag in your left hand. Also, don’t drop it, moron.

Step Three – Extend your arm as needed.

Step Four – If it is a heavy flag, be prepared for the weight to wear on your shoulder. You may need to shut off the small instinctive lizard-part of your brain, the part that feels pain, in addition to the rational thinking part of your brain (if you failed to switch the latter off in Step One).

Step Five – Swish your wrist from side to side and up and down. 

Step Six – Watch your flag move gracefully in the sunlight.

Now YOU can wave YOUR favorite flag for your favorite country or organization!

  • Be sure to wave your flag with lots of spirit! Anyone seen half-assing in their flag-waving will be subject to a fine, torture or excommunication.
  • Make sure your flag isn’t too heavy, as waving it for long periods of time may strain your wrist. Some studies also show that repetitive flag-waving may kill brain cells.
  • Try not to use a flag that is burnt or torn, and don’t burn or tear a flag, as you might get your ass kicked.
  • Don’t wave a flag near someone that may become offended by it. That is just asking for it.

Me, profiled

Ahead of the upcoming publication of a little science-fantasy story of mine, the nice folks at have seen fit to publish my answers to the questionnaire which they sent me along with my contract. I suppose I was somewhat giddy at the time I responded, because I come off sounding like a bit of a dork. But whatever. If you’re curious, you can read it here: